If you’re ready to let go of the rope, metaphorically speaking, the first step is to learn to notice when you’re pulling on it. Unfortunately, that can be tricky. To at least some degree, we are all habitual avoiders.
It’s not easy to notice unwanted thoughts or feelings, much less our automatic efforts to suppress them. Luckily, there are telltale signs that often accompany our struggles to change, suppress, or otherwise avoid painful inner experiences.
One such clue is a generalized sense of “not wanting.”
Not wanting to be where you are. Not wanting to feel what you’re feeling. Not wanting to think what you’re thinking. Not wanting others to do what they’re doing. Not wanting to be who—or what—you think you are.
“Not wanting,” in this usage, means not wanting things to be as they currently are.
It’s quite recognizable, once you start to look for it, and it’s a strong indicator that you’re currently engaged, in some way, in a control struggle with your feelings. As you learn to identify this state in yourself (and, perhaps, in others), you’ll probably notice it a lot—even when things around you seem to be going well.
You’ll probably also feel a strong urge to make it go away.
That, of course, would be just another way to continue the struggle, and as you’ve no doubt already discovered, trying to banish thoughts and feelings doesn’t tend to work very well.
For now, all you have to do is cultivate awareness of when you’re in a not-wanting state—when you’re engaged in experiential tug-of-war.
You may not be willing to drop the rope, right now, and that’s okay.
Just be aware of it.