What does it mean to “allow” a feeling to be? ACT tends to be a bit vague on the subject, but luckily our old friend Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy offers a concise and easy-to-follow approach:
“Allowing difficult thoughts, feelings, sensations, and inner experiences means that we willingly let them remain in awareness, without demanding that they change or be other than they are. Rather than getting into an argument with life, we allow our experience to be just as it already is” (The Mindful Way, p132)
Just as we can learn to watch our thoughts via mindfulness tools, we can also learn to observe feelings. Acceptance, however, asks us to do more than just notice feelings—we also want to try, as best we can, to “make room” for them.
In the ACT framework, this is sometimes called “expansion” because you are literally envisioning parts of your body expanding like a balloon to make room for your feelings.
While this may sound simple, it can be quite challenging.
It is not easy to choose not to fight a feeling when you feel as if you’re being torn apart—and when feelings get that intense, you may not even be aware you’re having them.
For now, it’s important to note you are not being asked to like your feelings. You are not being asked to like being sad, or frustrated, or angry. You are not being asked to like anxiety, depression, or panic attacks.
Rather, you are being asked to consciously choose to allow your feelings to be as they already are. Not fight them. Not struggle with them. Not try to make them go away. Not “tolerate” them until your patience or energy wears out.
Just accept that your feelings are there, as they are, and sit with them.
Sitting With Difficult Feelings is an extension of a formal MBCT sitting meditation, though it can also be done informally whenever you find yourself noticing a difficult or unpleasant feeling.
begin with a sitting meditation
deliberately turn your attention to wherever in your body the difficult feeling seems most intensely located—look for strong sensations that are somehow connected to the feeling (ie, a tightness in your throat or chest; a fluttering in your stomach, a clenching of a muscle)
using the breathing technique you learned in the Body Scan exercise, begin to “breath in” and “breath out” to and from that specific part of your body
as you do so, imagine that part of your body expanding with each breath to make room to hold the feeling
If you find yourself having difficulty locating feelings in specific parts of your body, don’t worry. Particularly when we are struggling, we can become disconnected from our feelings, and it can take time to reestablish that connection.
If that’s the case, you may wish to stay with the Body Scan until you find yourself more in tune with your body and its sensations.
As you become more comfortable sitting with difficult feelings, practice doing it without the “sitting” part—that is informally, wherever and whenever you find yourself experiencing intense feelings or sensations.
Remember, “acceptance” in this context is not a state of mind nor a feeling that comes and goes. It’s a behavior—something you choose to do.
Remember also, the purpose of acceptance is not to make your difficult feelings go away—or to try to change or otherwise control them. The goal is to simply make room to allow your feelings to be.